Hi, hey, hello everyone! Another day another entry. I will let you all know from now on posts will come Monday, Wednesday & Friday! (Unless stated otherwise) I’m hoping for big entries on Monday and Friday then a fun little one on Wednesday. Anywho, my entry today is going to be a little more on the serious side. I took a poll on twitter to see what everyone wanted to hear about and today’s topic is my anxiety story.
So, here we go. Looking back on my life I can recognise anxiety symptoms better now as an adult rather than back then when I was a child. My first anxiety attack I was around 9 years old. At the time I thought I was just learning about the “voice in my head” you know your conscience. It’s important to know the difference. Unfortunately as I’ve gotten older my anxiety and conscience have kind of moulded into one “emotion” you could say. I found it wasn’t a regular thing, more spaced out panic attacks, until I was around 15/16 when I noticed myself not wanting to go to school, having panic attacks about certain situations and assignments (mainly group assignments). Once my mum became sick, which I will talk about in another entry, it got a lot worse. I never wanted to leave the house, I slept a lot and ate even more, which I will also talk about in another entry. It was definitely a depression/anxiety cocktail. I was dealing with (depression 40% anxiety 60%). I use the term dealings with very loosely, I did nothing for it. I just let it get worse. To the point of self harm. Now for anyone who knows me I hope this isn’t a huge deal for you to read but yes I have struggled with self harm/bad thoughts in my life. Not in the most common way though so I have no external scars or sores. It’s always something even now I think about when things get really hard. I haven’t done it in about 2-3 years so I’m happy about that but it’s always in the back of my head.
Once my mum passed away I started pushing things down. I never cried I never acted sad to people. I think that was a coping method of mine, not a healthy one but one all the same.
Anxiety just became a part of my life. It effected every single part. My work life, my family life, my relationship at the time suffered because of it. To be honest with you, it still does. It effects my day to day life. I find it hard to leave the house or get into cars without anxiety. I don’t sleep very well, I wake up a lot during the night. I try and do relaxation/meditation before going to bed and I tend to fall asleep with the tv on.
Most days it’s just a constant worry, an overthink, an intense feeling of someone who is about to pull the rug out from under you. Like tripping up the stairs you know, that feeling you get in your gut. I’ve tried medications from my teens till now. None really work for a long time, I also have tried talking to psychologists which helps for a little while too. I even got hypnotised once which honestly worked a lot better than I thought it would. But again it wore off.
Even if I found a strategy to help with my anxiety, it kind of scares me to not have anxiety if that makes sense. It’s comfortable it’s what I’m used to. It’s a safety blanket (that constantly makes you feel unsafe) and it’s scary to think of a life without that. With nothing holding me back from making friends, getting a job in certain places, being comfortable with my own company, not panicking if someone doesn’t text me back straight away etc.
I know this all sounds super down and super serious. I live a pretty good life. I’m grateful for my health, my home, my family and friends who may not always understand but who try to. I am always working on my anxiety in one way or another and am confident it won’t be something I deal with forever.
(Photo above: at the shops. It takes a lot for me to go out to the shops. I tend to spend a lot of time on my phone to distract myself from my anxious feelings)
If you have anxiety or depression and you’re unsure or scared I recommend contacting Headspace (https://www.headspace.org.au) who have an online chat room that you can speak to a counsellor anonymously if you want to. They also have helpful links via their website! Beyond Blue (https://www.beyondblue.org.au) is good for helping others with mental health issues too!
If you or someone you know is suffering from mental health issues/suicidal thoughts or actions please call 000 in an emergency or Lifeline 24/7, 131114.
My 3 gratefuls for today are
1. I’m grateful for my sister for asking me to babysit her animals this weekend.
2. I am grateful for this cold, rainy weather because my town’s dam needs the water! Plus it’s nice to snuggle up with puppy’s and watch tv.
3. I’m grateful for my health. I’m working on it daily and I am hoping to keep improving as I go.
Until next time guys, enjoy your weekend! Talk soon x