Hi, hey, hello everyone! I hope your week has been filled with plenty of goodness and you’ve been keeping gratefuls in mind when things are tough!
Today’s entry is Blog 1 of many on my health journey. It’s a slow and steady race but I know it’ll all be for the best. I thought I’d start with some background and then build up to now.
I was always a “chubby” kid, running around with my cousins. Always outside and then once I got to around 10 years old I started noticing I was a little bigger than the other kids. I can recall a few times doctors had told my mum I was “a bit big” for my age or even one doctor, who I always used to call the Cowboy doctor, (because he wore cowboy boots all the damn time) told me I was “fat” whilst examining my abdomen. At 10 years old, I was devastated. I remember always thinking if only I could just cut all my fat bits off or I wish I could wake up in the morning and be skinny like everyone else.
As a kid, I think a lot of things set your mind to think a certain way, things effect you for a long time and sometimes you never let go of them.
From then on I just seemed to be a big girl, the fat friend. I was always aware of how much space I took up, how my clothes fell on my body, how much I could eat in public or how little, how many serves of food I could eat before people started giving me a look or even what I swam in, in the family pool as a child. I could never wear a bikini like my cousins or my friends. I never felt comfortable in cars, I was always offered the front seat. I never felt comfortable at school, there was always whispers. I was once told, I was cute and had “big boobs” but I was “fat sooo”. One girl said in Grade 12, my skirt was much too short and the sight of my legs hurt her eyes. I was always told I had such a “pretty face” never I was just pretty. I was always made to feel like I had to be funny because all “fat” people were funny because, and this is a quote from someone who I spoke to once, “they haven’t got much else going for them”. I’ve heard all the comments from “are you sure you want to eat that” to “you can’t have that much” from people who were closest to me. I’ve always been embarrassed by the way I look.
I grew more confident once I got older, maybe 18+ because I was a grown up and if I wanted to be like this I could, because it was my responsibility now. Having intimate relationships gave me a little more confidence. Knowing someone was attracted to my body as it was made my confidence sky rocket, I mean who doesn’t wanna feel sexy and wanted and desired? Even with that confidence I still always had the voice in my head that said, don’t lay that way you look gross or don’t do that your fat will wobble and move in a unappealing way. I always had that damn voice telling me over and over, you’re taking up too much room, you’re eating too much; YOU ARE TOO MUCH.
(Me at age 15, in grade 10 I believe at a friends party)
As a 23 year old I still have some of the same thoughts. I am at my heaviest weight and that’s sad for me. It’s hard to hear and it’s hard to carry. I want to say sorry to my body everyday for allowing it to be like this. I want change. I want to be healthier. I want to be around for a long time, to be able to carry children in the future. I’ve recently started a health plan at my doctors surgery and have been referred to a dietician and an exercise physio. I am anxious to be on such a journey but I am also so so excited. I’m doing something for me and to better myself.
I know I have the love of my family and friends regardless of the size I am. Numbers on a scale mean nothing to those who love me and for that I am thankful. I’m thankful they can see my great qualities & my flaws and not act differently depending which I’m showing them that day.
I am growing more confident every day. I am feeling more comfortable with myself and the way I look. I try and be less embarrassed by the way I look and try to focus on the good person I am. Even though I’m trying to lose weight I am happier in myself now which I think is important to. Being a big girl isn’t a bad thing and I’m not saying I hate my curves because I don’t. I still wanna be a fierce lady with bomb ass curves. I just wanna be a little toner and little slimmer and feel comfortable.
Hopefully there are a few more health updates as the entries come. This has been a tough one to write and I’m grateful for everyone who reads this. I hope you don’t see me in a different light.
Until next time, talk soon x