Back from the dead as they say although after what I’ve been through in the last 12-18 months comparing anything to being dead seems insensitive to myself and probably a whole bunch of other people.
I lay here at 2:10am writing this entry because I want to post regularly again. I need to be creative and to write again. Not just write but read and contribute to the commentary that is on social media and that is the unusual life we lead in 2019.
I have so many things to say whether they’re sane or not, make sense or not or even matter to anyone but me. So why not put them all on here and give strangers the chance to read along and judge fiercely.
As the beautifully written and sung Panic! At The Disco song goes “things have changed for me, and that’s ok.” In the last 18 months I have gone through a whole lot of changes. Mentally, physically, emotionally. More than I’d care for but it all seems necessary when you look for the bigger picture. The bigger picture is still blurry but that’s ok, I hope this year is a year for greatness and gratitude, for adventures and memories and laughing. You can’t have the good without the bad which I am quite aware of so I don’t doubt I’ll have my fair share of both.
Let all make a promise together, we (as a group) promise to create when we are happy sad mad disappointed elated disgusted triggered bright meek energised and fed up. We promise to try our best even when our best is only just holding on (or not at all) we promise to REACH OUT FOR THE HELP WE NEED and live the life we want.
Pinky promise me ok?
Until next time!
Hi, hey, hello! I’m working on a few more in depth entries but for today I decided to share my quick and very tasty guacamole recipe with you all. I make this all the time and everyone loves it.
- 3 avocados
- 1 red onion
- 2 tomatoes
- 1/2 lemon
- Salt & Pepper
- Corn chips (for dipping)
- Scoop out your ripe avocados into a medium sized bowl. Make sure they are ripe enough to mash.
- Cut up the onion, slightly chunky. Normally I cut half first to see how much I need then I always end up adding 3/4 of the onion. It’s really up to individual taste.
- Cut up tomatoes, chunky and add to the bowl.
- Mix/mash ingredients together and then add a squeeze of lemon juice (be sure to catch the pips!) and the salt/pepper.
- Taste. Make sure the ratios are right. Then serve with your favourite corn chips or plain crackers.
If you prefer a kick you could add some Mexican seasoning or if you prefer less onion taste I have added spring onion in the past to make it more mild. Have fun with this basic recipe, it’s really like a base and then you can add whatever you like!
Let me know if you try this! Or if you add more of your own flavours.
Until next time. Talk soon x
Hi, hey, hello! Today I thought I’d give you all a little life update. How have you all been? Lots of things have gone on lately but at the same time it feels like nothing is happening.
I have been working on my health of course. I’ve been exercising more and making a conscious effort to eat better/less (portion control) It’s not always easy and it’s not something I can do everyday because my motivation is fleeting. Which can be very frustrating and defeating. I always feel better after making better health choices and I think that’s what keeps me feeling motivated most days. It’s always been an uphill battle and I am willing and prepared to do the work I need to, to get up said hill. It would be cool to have a workout buddy or someone who will supportively push me, I’m definitely not one of those people who respond to yelling or negative instructions, to be perfectly honest if someone tells me I need to do something (anything) it makes me want to not do it or take as long as possible to do it! I guess I’m just stubborn in that regard (lol)
I have been feeling a bit up and down in regard to my anxiety but that’s normal for me. Good days, bad days and those weird in between days. With my mum’s death anniversary coming up it’s a struggle but I’m sure everything will be ok.
Making “grown up” choices has always been difficult for me because I overthink everything. I can’t do that because it’ll make this person feel bad or I won’t get to do this if I choose that etc It was always such a cycle of overthinking and ignoring my gut feelings. Lately I’ve been ignoring my inner critic and listening to my intuition! I know, finally right? I can’t keep justifying making choices to make other people happy and leaving myself miserable for it. I can’t sit around while people walk all over me because I’m an easy target. Feeling like a “subpar adult” isn’t something I want anymore. You know how most 20-something’s don’t feel like grown ups because there is always someone more grown up than you to fix things? I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to take control of my life, my time, my reactions. Learning to trust myself and my gut & knowing that it’s OK to make MISTAKES because that’s how we learn in life. It’s an age old theory and my mother drilled it into me but I guess it went in one ear and out the other! I can feel myself changing, I can feel myself deciding that “not every action needs a REACTION” and that it’s ok to speak up for yourself and DEMAND respect as an equal as a human being, not a scared little half grown up who will just agree to keep the peace (lol)
I am still on the job hunt. In a town with one of the highest unemployment rates it’s very difficult but I am positive that something will come my way soon! I’d love to be able to make money blogging but that’s a bit of a goal for the future I think. I’ve been tossing up between a lot of things as far as career paths go. It’s difficult when there are a lot of ideas and you have to try and decide which is best. It just ties back into trusting my gut and trying something new.
How is everyone reading this doing? What’s been happening in your world?
My 3 gratefuls are:
- I’m grateful for my constant positive inspirations. Whether it’s a person or a song or artwork. I may not always notice them but I know they’re there. I am grateful for those things for keeping me going.
- I’m grateful for my sisters. I’m such a hard time coming up, I am so thankful that I have them to help guide me and love me.
- I’m grateful for my home, my health, fresh water, clean and warm clothes, for the money I have in my bank. I’m grateful for the material things I have. I never take these things for granted.
I hope you’re all enjoying your day/night wherever you may be. I love catching up with everyone and having a bit more of a chill entry.
Until next time, talk soon x
Hi, hey, hello! Today’s entry is a quick fun one. I am listing a few of my favourite things for June! (they change always but at this moment these are it!)
At the moment, and as It has my whole life music is always present and I am loving just chucking on my headphones and zoning out! After Laughter by Paramore, Harry Styles’ self titled album, Lemonade by Beyoncé are my top 3 on rotation!
I am crazy about tea. I drink it every day and am not ashamed to say I’m addicted. My favourite is English Breakfast tea with soy milk and 2 sugars. I love to try different flavours too! I’m trying to cut back on the sugars I have but I do love a sweet tea I can’t help it.
3. The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Now if you know me, you know that this is my favourite movie. I watch it as much as I can. It’s just something about the songs and the Magic and message of it all that speaks to me. I am obsessed with anything Wizard of Oz themed! Whether it’s pjs from Peter Alexander which I unfortunately didn’t get or a musician who themed their album and stage show around it I cannot get enough! I even went as Dorothy Gale for my 21st dress up Halloween party.
Ok ok, who doesn’t love Kmart?! I recently got some new bedding from Kmart and it was so cheap – $24! I got a fitted sheet, doona cover and pillow cases. It’s not 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton etc but for someone who likes a bargain or is living on a budget it’s great. I love my new pink sheet and polka dot covers. They’re keeping me nice and warm in this cooler weather.
5. Zucchini Chips
I am 100% obsessed with the zucchini chips at Grill’d. I have always been a fan of Grill’d as I can get myself a gluten free/dairy free burger that tastes amazing and it relatively healthy. I always chose the normal potato chips which are delicious but recently I cannot get past their zucchini chips! They are so delicious and also gluten free! With their tomato relish I could eat them all damn day.
6. Fry’s Family Food Co.
I am not vegan or vegetarian, but I am trying to cut back on meat. They make awesome nuggets, burger patties etc that are vegan (and some gluten free products too) I have a friend who is vegan and she got me onto them. Normally Woolworths have a deal of 2 for $10 which is not bad in my eyes. They’re delicious! I can’t get enough.
Ok, yes I am obsessed with my cat. He is a 5 year old Maine Coon purebred. He is ginger and extremely fluffy. I’ve had him since he was 16 weeks old. He’s my little (big) baby! Maine Coons are one of the largest breeds of domestic cat you can have. He is currently small for his breed but is still larger than the average cat. He’s very vocal and wakes me up in the morning by meowing at me. He sleeps on the other side of my bed every night too. He’s not too exciting and sleeps a lot but I love him anyway.
So there’s my 7 favourite things at the moment. It was harder to think of than I thought it would be! What are some of your favourite things right now? Let me know in the comments!
My 3 gratefuls are:
1. I am grateful for the money in the bank. I am grateful that I can buy food and pay bills. Many people cannot and I am grateful that I can. I do not take it for granted.
2. I am grateful for warm clothes and blankets. It’s Winter in Australia and it’s cooling down. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the warm clothes I have to make me comfortable.
3. I am very grateful for my father. He is always there for me when I need him and always helps me when he can. I’d be in a whole different situation if it wasn’t for him and I can’t thank him enough.
What are you grateful for? Let me know!
Until next time. Talk soon x
Hi, hey, hello everyone! I hope your week has been filled with plenty of goodness and you’ve been keeping gratefuls in mind when things are tough!
Today’s entry is Blog 1 of many on my health journey. It’s a slow and steady race but I know it’ll all be for the best. I thought I’d start with some background and then build up to now.
I was always a “chubby” kid, running around with my cousins. Always outside and then once I got to around 10 years old I started noticing I was a little bigger than the other kids. I can recall a few times doctors had told my mum I was “a bit big” for my age or even one doctor, who I always used to call the Cowboy doctor, (because he wore cowboy boots all the damn time) told me I was “fat” whilst examining my abdomen. At 10 years old, I was devastated. I remember always thinking if only I could just cut all my fat bits off or I wish I could wake up in the morning and be skinny like everyone else.
As a kid, I think a lot of things set your mind to think a certain way, things effect you for a long time and sometimes you never let go of them.
From then on I just seemed to be a big girl, the fat friend. I was always aware of how much space I took up, how my clothes fell on my body, how much I could eat in public or how little, how many serves of food I could eat before people started giving me a look or even what I swam in, in the family pool as a child. I could never wear a bikini like my cousins or my friends. I never felt comfortable in cars, I was always offered the front seat. I never felt comfortable at school, there was always whispers. I was once told, I was cute and had “big boobs” but I was “fat sooo”. One girl said in Grade 12, my skirt was much too short and the sight of my legs hurt her eyes. I was always told I had such a “pretty face” never I was just pretty. I was always made to feel like I had to be funny because all “fat” people were funny because, and this is a quote from someone who I spoke to once, “they haven’t got much else going for them”. I’ve heard all the comments from “are you sure you want to eat that” to “you can’t have that much” from people who were closest to me. I’ve always been embarrassed by the way I look.
I grew more confident once I got older, maybe 18+ because I was a grown up and if I wanted to be like this I could, because it was my responsibility now. Having intimate relationships gave me a little more confidence. Knowing someone was attracted to my body as it was made my confidence sky rocket, I mean who doesn’t wanna feel sexy and wanted and desired? Even with that confidence I still always had the voice in my head that said, don’t lay that way you look gross or don’t do that your fat will wobble and move in a unappealing way. I always had that damn voice telling me over and over, you’re taking up too much room, you’re eating too much; YOU ARE TOO MUCH.
(Me at age 15, in grade 10 I believe at a friends party)
As a 23 year old I still have some of the same thoughts. I am at my heaviest weight and that’s sad for me. It’s hard to hear and it’s hard to carry. I want to say sorry to my body everyday for allowing it to be like this. I want change. I want to be healthier. I want to be around for a long time, to be able to carry children in the future. I’ve recently started a health plan at my doctors surgery and have been referred to a dietician and an exercise physio. I am anxious to be on such a journey but I am also so so excited. I’m doing something for me and to better myself.
I know I have the love of my family and friends regardless of the size I am. Numbers on a scale mean nothing to those who love me and for that I am thankful. I’m thankful they can see my great qualities & my flaws and not act differently depending which I’m showing them that day.
I am growing more confident every day. I am feeling more comfortable with myself and the way I look. I try and be less embarrassed by the way I look and try to focus on the good person I am. Even though I’m trying to lose weight I am happier in myself now which I think is important to. Being a big girl isn’t a bad thing and I’m not saying I hate my curves because I don’t. I still wanna be a fierce lady with bomb ass curves. I just wanna be a little toner and little slimmer and feel comfortable.
Hopefully there are a few more health updates as the entries come. This has been a tough one to write and I’m grateful for everyone who reads this. I hope you don’t see me in a different light.
Until next time, talk soon x